20 mrt Having a nice conversation, or not…?
Note from Marian
Head Article: Having a nice conversation, or not…?
Do you recognize the following scenario: you are traveling by train, you’re staying in a hotel or you are on board. You start a conversation with somebody sitting next to you. Sometimes you have the feeling that you understand each other immediatly. It is like you have known each other for years! Without any effort, you have a very nice conversation and you feel sorry you have to leave, moreover, you feel sorry that you will probably never meet again….
At other times, you also start a conversation and there is hardly any response. You try again, you are making an effort to keep the conversation going, but you experience some awkward silences… You are pleased to be able to say goodbye…
You may ask yourself why this happens?
It has always puzzled me. Until I learned about “filters”. I then learned how to “play” with language, to be able to follow people in their way of speaking. I am still fascinated by this phenomenon: the power of language: knowing, recognising, and being able to apply language effectively. It can be a lot of fun and give you a very good feeling.
This is the subject of my eZine this Wednesday. I invite you to read further!
Have fun; I’ll be back in 2 weeks time.
You feel that you are not always able to converse the same way. Sometimes you just give up when a conversation isn’t going the way you want to. Sometimes you are fed up and you don’t like it at all. What could be the reason for why the conversation doesn’t go smoothly?
Everyone has their own filters. Your filters are not the same as mine and the other way around. This has got everything to do with yours and my own model of the world. We all use our filters. There is so much information every day. It is impossible to absorb everything…
We all filter differently.
We distinguish the following filters: visual, aural, kinaesthetic, olfactory and gustatory. All with their own verbal and non-verbal characteristics.
Visual: People filtering through the visual channel, mostly look up. They make “pictures” in their minds of the things they want to say. Therefore, usually, they speak fast. The pictures they make are processing like a film in their head. Most of the time they use their hands making gestures while talking. They use words like: “I can see it clearly”! or“Could you point that out for me please?”
Aural: people filtering through the aural channel most of the time have their eyes at ear-height. They look straight forward. Usually, they speak calmly with no gestures. Their hand may be situated near the mouth.They may use phrases like: “that sounds fair enough” or “deafening noise”.
Kinaesthetic: people filtering through the kenesthetic channel, are divided into 2 groups”the kinesthetic who feels and the kenesthetic who “moves”.
Kinaesthetic-feeling: Usually they converse with their eyes down, looking at stomach-height. A slow speaker. Reflexive. Everything is being checked by their feeling.Therefore it sometimes seems they are reacting slower than people who filter visually. They may use phrases such as: “It feels so good”or “I digested what you said that night”.
Kenaesthetic-motion:Usually, these people literally need to move whilst talking. The also check their feelings. Phrases that they tend to use include: “I must check it out”and “I am learning by experiencing”.
Olfactury: this has to do with smell. The oldest human sense. Smell evokes memories. Just think of your grandmothers soup or something else that she could cook well. Very often in the range of the kinesthetic, phrases used would include: “Please open the window, it stinks in here”. (after someone said something nasty) or “Money stinks”.
Gustatory: has to do with taste. Phrases used include: “that tastes moreish”or “My mouth is watering”.
Having read this, you might be able to recognize your own filter. Let us say, you filter for example through the visual filter. Imagine, during take off, there is a passenger sitting next to or opposite you. You start a conversation. You are being enthusiastic and telling them about what you have seen and done at the destination that you are leaving now. This passenger is being polite. You are posing a question and he answers, he understands how you feel and how you have experienced this destination. Then you start thinking about how it felt for you. Actually, you didn’t feel a lot…You simply liked what you saw…. The conversation stopped and you are very happy that the fasten seatbelt sign has been swiched off so that you can leave your seat….
It can be very helpfull to be aware of all of this. Consider how you might converse differently when joining people in a conversation using a totaly different filter then your own?! Wouldn’t it be nice to just try and play with it to find out?!
If you have any questions, please let me know! I do like receiving and reading your feedback!
Are you interested in this topic and like to learn more? Please send me some feedback or simply write me an e-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org
I wish you pleasant conversations at home on board and en route!